A picture is worth a thousand words, and a good meme is worth about forty technical blog posts. Here are some of the ones I’ve made or posted in the wild, usually right after sitting through a vendor pitch that made me lose faith in humanity.
Click any image to see it full size. Save them, share them, use them in your own decks — I’m not precious about it.
For every time somebody asked me to deploy a schema change on a Friday afternoon to production without a backup. Go ahead. Make my day.
The happiest place on earth, until you need a join. Then it's just a regular database with more steps.
Remember when tokens meant three lives on Street Fighter II? Now they mean your CFO is having a very hard Tuesday.
You said 'under 100 microseconds.' The LLM delivered — by quietly shoving your durability guarantees behind the couch.
Three people, three definitions, one elephant in the room. The elephant is right.
Every chunking strategy is the right one until you measure it. Then it's just one of seven that lost.
Open 24/7, no questions asked. Your RAG pipeline runs on receipts that didn't exist this morning.
Chunker choice. Embedder choice. Freshness pattern. JOIN strategy. The boxes pile up and the timeline keeps shrinking.
A dozen browser tabs, a dozen agents, and the only thing you're actually typing is what the box looks like. Roll for initiative.
Hybrid vector graph model, banana for scale, AGE and pgvector sharing a hard drive.
Vector. Hybrid. Graph. Graph-Expand. Ranker. Ouch. Then someone draws three boxes and it suddenly makes sense.
How every AI vendor explains their pricing, moments before you get the first invoice.
The chunk is the doc. The doc is the metadata. The metadata is the chunk. I'm fine. I'm completely fine.
5000ms, $0.02 per doc, different bytes every time you call it. Or: 0.4ms, $0, byte-identical, every call. Pick one.
When the demo hits production and the LLM starts writing queries that would make a DBA file for PTO.
Ticket #1247. Don't trust the README. Dev left Tuesday. The error logs are tattooed on its arms now.
Heavy graph cargo? The truck. Ten thousand fast retrieval trips? The drones. Both have a job. Neither one is the other one's competition.
Better performance, better accuracy, more platforms. Pick a road. They all go through the village eventually.
Tests pass. Latency doubles. Welcome to the Nerdy Database appreciation hour.
Hope-driven tuning hands you a recommendation and walks away. Measurement-driven tuning hands you a comparison report and a rollback button.
Strap them both in. Mind transfer. The elephant remembers. The dolphin... well. BZZZT.
Until Black Friday says otherwise. Benchmark your actual workload. Not someone else's.
Thread on Monday. A thousand stars by Friday. Startup, Discord, and a docs site before the idea's even cooled off. Be in the window.
Three of them. One PR. Each one absolutely certain the other two are the actual problem.
Took you painfully literally, met the spec exactly, and set the kitchen on fire on a technicality. It's not lazy. It's a five-year-old.
Show revenue. What's our topline. How much did we make. Give me the number. Total sales pls. The fine-tune doesn't care about the wording — it cares that the rep counted.
It technically works. Open the hood and you'll cry. That's not the failure — that's the spec for what you build next.
Data lost. Missing row. Corruption? CRIME SCENE — DO NOT CROSS. The DBA has been on the case since '99 and the LLM keeps stepping on the evidence.
More coming as I make them. If a database company says something dumb at a keynote, it will probably show up here within 48 hours.